I had a dream about the Rapture. About 6.25 this morning I dreamt that I was outside and I saw the sky littered with images of prophets and saints. I was puzzled and said… could this be the rapture; then all of a sudden I saw all the buildings, the sky scrapers falling into the sea, it was like a huge movie screen. They were falling; the sea, the moon the sun was all in one. It was frightening. A big ball of fire all over, the moon and the sun seemed like it fell into the sea; the sea was raging .. It was total destruction all around; there were things falling into the sea, the buildings; confusion; fear. I looked and said ” Jesus did you leave me here? Why did you leave me? I felt in my heart that I was not forgiving of someone. I thought: the rapture occurred; because I would not be seeing this… I felt lost, hopeless. Frightened. I wondered where are my children . The sea cut off everything, I felt it was impossible for to get to my apartment. I saw like this container of food flying through the air and this women grabbed one, another lady said to her ” where did your get this?.. She said “over there”… turned off and said “I do not have no time for people, let her look for her own food”…She was cold, and kept on going. In the dream I felt she was the antichrist. Water, fire, buildings falling into the sea. It was total destruction. I awoke and started crying and speaking in tongues. Went into my daughters room and said to her the ‘Jesus is coming for his World, please give your life to him”. Please take this message to heart it was God given and My sister In Christ Sister Geran allowed me to share this with you. Please accept Jesus before it is too late. Please share this with anyone that may not be saved. Thanks. God bless you It is True He is coming again to take His Church; and to go with Him is to accept Him in your heart ask for His forgivenss for we are all sinners born with sin Adams nature and asking for forgiveness, asking Him to wash our sins away by His blood and to come into our hearts His Spirit begins to live in us read John 3:3, Romans 10:9 John 13:34 its by faith just believe and you will see Him in your life PLEASE READ THE STORY/DREAM BELOW!!!
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
AVOIDING JOB STRESSStress, pressure, anxiety, tension whatever you call it, there’s no shortage of it in today’s fast paced, technologically advanced workplace. This is how to go about it1. In with the good air out with the bad.Take a breathing break. Frequent short breaks during the day allow you to breathe deeply and relax your mind, preventing stress buildup.2. Know the enemy.What exactly is stressing you out? Is it your job, your relationship? Without knowing the root of the problem, you are unlikely to solve it. If you are having difficulty identifying the source of your stress, seek professional help from your employee assistance programmed or a mental health professional.3. Move it or lose it.Begin an exercise program. Exercise helps release endorphins, which relieves stress.4. Let go. Recognize the things you can and the ones you can’t control. Make a list of these two categories. Starting today make a pact with yourself to stop stressing yourself about things that you have no control over in your job.5. Beware of the things to do list.Take note of all the good work you do and give yourself credit for it. Set short term goals and allow yourself to take satisfaction in achieving them.6. Develop a tough skin.Try not to personalize any criticism you receive. Look at negative comments as constructive criticism that allows you to improve your work. If however, the criticism is verbally abusive, e.g your boss yells at you or uses vulgar language, discuss this problem with your manager or human resources department.7. Share the load.Delegate or share work whenever possible. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are the only person who can do the job right. Your co-workers and boss might start to buy into that concept as well.
8. Don’t make work a four letter word.
Job stress builds when our minds are constantly focused on work. Strive for balance in your life. Make time for family, friends, hobbies, and most importantly, fun.
9. Know your rights.
It’s very important to know your rights as an employee or employer.
Although learning to manage a stressful job is important, sometimes it makes more sense to leave it. How can you determine when it’s time to give up your job?
-You have tried all the appropriate channels and methods for resolving your situation to no avail {or the appropriate channels are not made available}
-Your boss is intimidating, disrespectful or demeaning towards you.
-You are so bored on the job that you are exhausted by the end of the day. If you don’t have an upwardly career path that challenges you to grow professionally, it’s time to look for a more interesting position.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Bitterness is loss frozen in resentment. Bitterness grows out of our refusal to
let go when someone or something is taken from us.
Perhaps it grows from the literal loss of a loved one or of a job, or income,
or relationship. Sometimes it might be more subtle and grow from the loss
of a reputation, or social position in a group, or control. Whatever the cause,
bitterness grows out of unreleased loss.
Whenever we lose something or someone significant we often feel the
following thoughts and emotions over a period of time as we grieve over that
loss:
1. There is often denial. ‘This can’t be happening to me. I will wake up and it
will go away!’
2. There may be shock and numbness.
3. There is often guilt. ‘I did something wrong. I’m being punished. This is
my fault!’
4. Perhaps there is depression, especially when a death or loss of career is
involved. ‘This is so awful. Life is now meaningless. I can’t cope!’
5. There is almost certainly anger. ‘My world is changing. How dare anybody
come and change my world? Why should it happen to me?’
6. There is almost certainly bargaining. ‘If only I hadn’t said that … made
that journey … If only he/she hadn’t moved got promoted … moved away
… bought that … This loss would not have happened. If I could change the
circumstances I could lessen the loss. I could have prevented it!’
The final stage of grieving is to be able to let go.
These feelings are part of the normal grieving process. We don’t just feel
them and then it is OK. And we don’t necessarily feel all of them, or feel them
in any particular order. But they are part of the emotional and intellectual
territory of grieving that we often revisit, with varying degrees of intensity,
during a loss.
For some people this normal grieving process may take months, and even
years, depending on the significance of the loss. Most people learn to
eventually let go of what they have lost and move on, but bitterness grows
up when people refuse to let go and cling on tightly to the anger and
bargaining (and probably the depression) of the grieving process. They
won’t let go and break out of the cycle, or they feel they can’t.
In the face of death we sometimes continue to rage against heaven and
refuse to face the reality that the person is gone and that we are powerless to
do anything and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive
life can eventually go on. In the face of unemployment we sometimes rage
against the employers and refuse to accept that they are not going to change
their minds and that there is very little (if anything) we could have done about
it, and that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can
eventually go on. In the face of a body that is noticeably marred by the effects
of sin in a fallen world, we rage against the Heavenly Father who gave us life
and bargain about how things could have been different. We refuse to face
the reality that we are powerless to do anything, and that although it may
seem awful now, meaningful and productive life can eventually go on. When
faced with the pain of difficult parents, children, partners, pastors, in-laws,
colleagues, or unwilling singleness or childlessness, we rage against the
God who loves us and bargain about how things could have been different.
We refuse to face the reality that we may be powerless to do anything, and
that although we can’t see how, meaningful and productive life can eventually
go on.
We don’t like it when confronted with an inability to control.
Bitterness and Anger
There are at least two kinds of anger – hot anger and cold anger. Often
bitterness displays itself as freezing cold anger. Hot anger is explosive and
loud. Cold anger is more subtle and shows itself through complaining and
plotting and scheming and grouching (and sometimes in depression when it
can’t find an outlet and turns in on the angry person).
Those of you who have any experience of Pastoral ministry will know that
people will shy away from admitting that they are bitter. Although Christians
may admit to speeding, bitterness has to rank alongside sexual sin as one
of those sins that touches others, but never the speaker. Sadly it may be as
universal as the former and as destructive as the latter. However much it is
denied, it is often the cold anger that shows itself in desperate bargaining
or uncharacteristically savage moaning and complaining that gives the
bitterness away.
‘I’m not bitter, but I just can’t understand why so and so did that. If they
hadn’t…. But I’m not bitter.’
‘I’m not bitter, and I’m certainly not angry, but I’m going to plot and complain
and moan on every available occasion, and because I’ve been around
Churches for years, I’ll dress up what I have to say in religious language and
make it sound really righteous – but ……. I’m not bitter!’
What are the Consequences of Bitterness?
Cosmic Consequences
You could argue that bitterness motivated Satan to attempt to destroy and
thwart God’s plans. You could argue that bitterness motivated the Pharisees
to have Jesus put to death. You only have to look at India and Pakistan, Israel
and Jordan, Bosnia and Croatia, and Northern Ireland to know that wars are
caused by bitterness, and that such bitter disputes fuel even more reservoirs
of bitterness that last through generations, and continue to hold people in
vice-like grips.
Personal Consequences
There are often physical consequences such as headaches, ulcers,
sleeplessness, heart-attacks, anxiety, fear, tension, depression. This, of
course, doesn’t mean that anyone with a headache or heart-attack is bitter,
but prolonged bitterness will have physical consequences.
The mental consequences of bitterness are continued hypercritical attitudes.
Nobody can do anything right. There is usually anger and resentment with
things don’t go our way (and they often don’t).
And because of the attitudes that accompany bitterness, there are inevitably
social consequences. In Deuteronomy 29:19 Bitterness is described as a
root that grows into a poisonous plant. Bitterness spreads and infects others.
They either catch the critical and grouching spirit from the bitter people, or
they decide to avoid their company. And, of course, the rejection caused by
the bitterness leads to the people concerned feeling even more bitter, and
so the cycle continues.
Bitter people are not popular in Cell Groups. They rarely go because they feel
rejected. And when they do go, they almost have to make sure that people
will reject them. Churches have been paralysed for years by unresolved
bitterness, and so have individual Christians who refuse to deal with the
bitterness they feel towards God.
Bitterness is loss, frozen in resentment. And bitterness is also a chain, tying
us to the thing of person we want to be free from. Until we deal with the
bitterness we cannot escape from the loss. People want vengeance, but end
up with a hypercritical spirit, ulcers, rejection, and chains. We hope that our
bitterness will in some way influence others, but all that happens is that it
destroys us.
Moving Out Of Bitterness
Peter says to Simon the Sorcerer that God is grieved by his bitterness (Acts
8). Paul is saying a similar thing to the Ephesians Christians (Read Eph.4:
25-32). He is saying in effect: ‘One of the things that makes the Spirit of God
sad is what come form your mouth, and one thing in particular is bitterness.
Get rid of it. Get rid of it all.
’
The fact that Paul tells us to get rid of it should encourage us, because it
must be possible. It would be cruel for God to command us to do something
that was impossible. God is never cruel, and only command things for our
good, and only commands things that are possible.
Repentance
One of the first steps towards getting rid of it, it to accept that it is possible,
and that we have some responsibility for making it happen.
But we are slow to accept that we can do anything about it.
‘I used to be quite happy, but he made me bitter.’
‘I had no options. If you had been through what I have been through, you
would have been made bitter as well.
’
We want to feel that we have no choice, that we are not responsible. Then we
can feel free to grow comfortable as we are and can blame God for what he
hasn’t done, or blame others for what they have done.
There is a famous book by Tim La Haye and Bob Phillips called ‘Anger is A
Choice’. The authors point out that we often want to blame others for how we
feel. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me angry …’ But,
as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for we do, say, think,
and feel. Nobody can make us angry. We choose to respond to situations in
an angry way.
And it is not only anger that is a choice. Its close cousin bitterness is also a
choice. We respond the people or events by saying: ‘You made me bitter …’
But, as Christians, we are not victims. We are responsible for what we do,
say, think, and feel. Nobody can make us bitter. We choose to respond to
situations in a bitter way
.
You know that it is not people or circumstances that make people bitter. What
makes us bitter is our attitude towards people and circumstances. Its not the
people or the circumstances. But the messages we tell ourselves, and its the
feelings we nurture. You know that you can take two people and put them
through equally horrendous circumstances, and one will come out riddled
with bitterness, and another will come out radiant.
Two men from their prison cell gaze up to see the stars.
One saw constellations bright, the other, only bars.
Look at Joseph at the end of his life. He had been abused by his family,
had his reputation ruined by being falsely accused of adultery, he was
forgotten by friends, and at times it must have felt as if God had forgotten
him. But at the end of his life, when faced with those who were responsible
for the years of slavery and pain, he forgives his brothers. He said to
them: ‘You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.’ Despite all that has
happened to him, he acknowledges the sovereignty of God, and God’s
amazing creative ability to bring good out of evil. If Simon the Sorcerer is
amazing because he throbs with boils of bitterness, Joseph is amazing
because he oozes gallons and gallons of grace. He chose not to be bitter.
Bitterness is not about circumstances and people making us feel things.
It’s about the attitude we adopt. A Greek Philosopher, Epictetus once said:
‘People are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they have of things.’
As Christians, we are not victims. People may harm us, and circumstances
may militate against us, but God holds us accountable for our choices, and
enables us to choose a better way. Until we really get hold of that, we’ll never
move forward.
I often have circular conversations with a friend who believes that his career
was blighted by someone 15 years ago. 15 years later he still gets angry
about it. 15 years later, he still bargains, and talks about what might have
happened only if …. I’m not judging him or condemning him.
I care about him enough to want to help him. From time to time I pick up enough
courage to encourage him to let go of his bitterness, and to start playing a different
tape. And he says: ‘It’s easy for you. You weren’t there. You don’t understand.’
Until we accept some responsibility for our bitterness, we’ll never shift it.
Confession
We need to confess any bitterness we may have to God.
I know a Christian who witnessed and suffered violence in his family as a
child. Because of his earthly father, he finds God difficult. When we talk and
I ask him: ‘Where do you think Jesus was when this was happening to you?’
he says:’He wasn’t in the room. Because if he was, he would have stopped
it.’ It’s the cry of Martha and Mary: ‘Lord, if you had been here, this would not
have happened. this illness … this accident … this divorce … this financial
collapse …’
We all experience the consequences of living in a fallen world and God has never
promised to stop all of those consequences. But he weeps when we weep. He
suffers when we suffer. He will judge those who hurt us. One day he will remove
all the consequences of sin. He has died to set us free. We have no just cause
to be bitter against him. Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about God.
Perhaps we have to confess our bitterness about others. We need to let go
of the right to extract revenge on others, to stop keeing a profit and loss
account. We need to stop recalling the emotional debts.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness helps us to let go. We refuse to cling on to our desire to hold
something against others.
Some people are bitter because they refuse to let go by forgiving themselves.
They often trap themselves in bitter bargaining: ‘If only I had done this…If
only I hadn’t have done that …’ God has released us, but we still cling on to
condemning ourselves. Parents are sometimes bitter, refusing to fogive their
children for not being the people they wanted them to be, and likewise some
children won’t forgive their parents for not being the ideal role models that
they wanted.
We may need to forgive our employers or employees. If we are married,
we will almost certainly need to forgive our partners. It’s not necessarily
the big things that destroy marriages. It’s often the little things that
remain unforgiven and that grow into enormous things over the years.
In some cases, if the people are dead, we may find it helpful to write them a
letter forgiving them and seeking their forgiveness, and hand the letter over
to God before destroying it
.
Exercise Faith
We can forgive or let go of the loss only when we understand that we are
significant and secure in Jesus Christ. If we won’t let go because we want
to hold on to control, we can only let go when we accept that there are
things we cannot control, but that we are secure in Jesus. If we can’t let go
because we are holding on to things or people who made us feel good about
ourselves and enabled us to have some sort of postion or role, we can oly
let go when we accept that we have ultimate significance by being loved by
Jesus Christ.
I may want lots of things that make us feel happy and secure, but the Bible
tells me that the only thing – I need in all eternity (as opposed to want) is a
relationship with Jesus Christ.
Once I have Jesus, I can learn to let go and release the loss or debt fo forgiveness.
He is the one who holds me. It is his love for me that really matters. When
people disagree with me, I don’t have to fight to win with an unhealthy
determination. I may want people to agree with me and approve of me. But
if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. I have significance and security because God
loves me. If I’m threatened with a loss, I can acknowledge the pain, but I
don’t have to get stuck in a rut of bargaining and anger, because I know that
God loves me, and that knowledge can give me the freedom to let go of what
I am clinging on to.
We need to remove one of the causes of our bitterness by exercising faith
and continually reminding ourselves that we are secure in God’s love. We
don’t have to prove anything. We need to remind ourselves of our ultimate
security. We need to remind ourselves that vengeance belongs to God.
We can also exercise faith by believing in the creativity of God, not just in the
pretty spectacular creation, but in the recreation, turning the bitterness of the
Pharisees into the redeeming grace of the cross. There is nothing that God
cannot redeem or transform.
Some of the most gracious people around are those who have been through
bitterness, have been forgiven by God, have come out the other side, and are
allowing God to use that experience of darkness to help them to minister to others.
As you exercise faith, be encouraged, it isn’t always going to be easy.
Remember that it takes about 6 weeks to establish a new habit, so don’t
be too discouraged by lapses. It will be hard, especially if the bitterness is
deep.
Replace the tape in your head which says you need to hold onto these
things and that you cannot let them go with one which reminds you of who
your are in Christ. Take responsibility to turn round, exercise faith, and walk
out of darkness (and look for people to walk with you and help you as you
make your journey).
Hebrews 12:15 ‘Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no
one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes trouble with its
poison.’
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
It seems like no matter what area of life we are in there are always some
people who are difficult to get along with. They are either exceptionally
prickly, or don’t seem to care less, couldn’t be bothered, or are remarkably
self-centred and inconsiderate. We wonder “What’s with these people?”,
“What planet are they living on?”,
“Do they go out of their way to be especially unpleasant and uncooperative?”,
“How can someone be so insensitive – are they blind? What needs to
happen for them to get the message? What’s wrong with them?” They have
the potential to take up an enormous amount of our time and energy and
we can find ourselves continually in conversations with others about their
shortcomings. In doing so we use a lot of the planet’s oxygen, and it doesn’t
change a thing!
Life is not happy for us when we are in their company. We find ourselves out
of options, resigned that things will not improve, and experiencing continual
frustration, which is not good for our own well-being. So what can be done?
We want to suggest a different approach, one that concentrates on how we
are observing. This is based on the following premise: We do not know how
things are, we only know how we observe them.
Each of us has our own perspective on the situations in our life, and that’s all
we have – our perspective, our mindsets.
Our perspective is our interpretations.
We react, respond and operate from our perspective, but we are very rarely
aware of the perspective we have of someone and how that drives our
behaviour.
One of the most powerful forms of learning we can engage in is to take a
look at:
How we are observing things in the first place
How come we se things the way we do
By being willing to inspect our perspective we are then in a position to
address the following question: “What is it that makes someone dif ficult for
us?”
But let’s take a look first at what our perspective is made up of. Essentially it
consists of assumptions, which is how we think things are, how they should be,
and how they could be. The basis of these assumptions is the standards we
live by and how we expect others to be consistent with these. Our standards
and assumptions are the basis of our opinions, and we knit our opinions
very coherently into a story. But we rarely, if ever, observe this fundamental
process of how our perspective is formed, and if we were to slightly adjust
some of our assumptions, we would have a different perspective and
different ways of behaving.
What makes someone difficult for us is that they don’t live up to our standards
and expectations, and we are not able to influence them to do so. That pushes
our buttons, because our standards define our dignity and integrity and where
and how we make a stand in life. And when our standards are “violated” we
have an emotional response, which can become a long-term and entrenched
response (a mood) that we live from all the time in our dealings with difficult
people.
Moods colour how we see life, and we find ourselves in negative moods, which
are powerful enough to trap us into always having the same perspective. Our
moods live in our body, so we also have a physical reaction, reflected in our
breathing, muscle tension and posture.
The traditional way of looking at why someone is difficult is to point the finger
at them, and speak of the unacceptable characteristics of their behaviour.
By being willing to take a look at our own perspective we can take another
approach, one that begins with pointing the finger at ourself and acknowledging
how we are observing things. It is critical to continually remind ourselves that
what we observe is an interpretation, and whilst we may think we have the
“right” interpretation, ours is but one of thousands!
We see and hear people do things, but our standards and assumptions have
us form an interpretation. It is all too easy to fall into the trap of regarding
our interpretations as “fact”. Part of the reason we are deluded into this line
of thinking is because others can have similar interpretations. But this only
means we have consensus, which can blind us to developing innovative
ways of dealing with tricky issues.
What can be done, how can we be influential in improving things, even with
seemingly the most intractable of people? There are a number of things we
want to suggest about observing our observing.
1. A “standards and assumptions check”. Be very clear about the story you
are running about this other person. What are the core standards, or criteria
for acceptable conduct, that are being “violated”. How important are those
standards to you – do you want to stick to them and be uncompromising
about them (which is OK if you do because they are the foundation of your
dignity)? Perhaps the standard is non-negotiable, but perhaps how this
person goes about meeting that standard could be different. Perhaps we may
be trapped in an assumption about how people should go about meeting our
standard, as if there is a “right” way for me to match your criteria. The criteria
by which we live play a paradoxical role in our lives – they are indispensable
and define who and how we want to be, but they also can trap us into rigid
and inflexible ways of observing situations, which can result in us doing an
exquisite job torturing ourselves.
There is also another assumption worth inspecting with our standards,
and that is that we may assume that this other person is as clear about our
standards as we are. Or that this standard is as important to them as it is
to us. In other words, that they would have learned this and it would be an
integral part of how they view the world.
2. A mood check.
What is the fundamental mood you live in with this person: when you think
of them, when someone mentions their name and you are in their presence?
What would you say is the colour of this mood? What does this mood do to
the quality of your thinking and relating, to your demeanour and quality of
life? How much of this mood do you carry with you into other situations in
your life?
Our habitual thinking about moods is that we are stuck with them and can’t
do anything about them. Where did we learn that? Who is running our
emotional life? There is such a thing as emotional goal setting – what mood
do you want to be in with this person so that you can be more resourceful in
your behaviour?
3. A resourceful body.
The subtle ways we configure our muscles, which influences our posture,
as well as our breathing, has a huge, but underrated impact on how we
observe. A negative story and a negative mood becomes “embodied”, which
contaminates our effectiveness in relating with others. How do you need to
stand, with what degree of uprightness, without being rigid, how deeply do
you want to breathe? How can that be monitored in a conversation? Any
sign of the negative story and mood becoming prominent is a sign to shift
position, posture and breathing, even by consciously taking a few deeper
breaths.
4. Our self-image in delivering a message.
It is easy to assume that we are being clear about what we want, but from
their perspective are we? Have our requests been clearly and unambiguously
stated so that there is a shared understanding of what is required? Do we
speak from our own concerns, about what is missing for us and why it is
important, in the spirit of pointing the finger at ourselves, rather than being in
a “blame frame” and pointing the finger at them? Is our self-image such that
we can convey what we want, feeling valid and worthwhile, and in a “solid
and definite” body, without being overbearing?
5.Our perspective of their perspective.
How do you think they are seeing things, especially yourself? What do they
need to see and hear from us such that they will get the message? Should
we deliver it directly, and if so, what words, voice tone, facial expressions
need to accompany our speaking? Or, would that be too off-putting and
are they more likely to “take on board” what we want indirectly, perhaps
through a third party, or the use of prolonged pauses, or strategically placed
but pertinent comments? What is going on in their world? Do they seem
happy, do they have a positive opinion of themself, what sort of mood and
body do they live in? How can we incorporate these considerations into our
approach?
One closing point. It is easy to underestimate the complexity of the dynamics
of human interaction. We are not machines, but biological entities, sometimes
highly unpredictable and, above all else, each of us is a mystery, both to
ourselves and others.
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
It is a peculiarly twentieth-century story, and is almost too awful to tell,”
writes Frederick Buechner, “about a boy of twelve or thirteen who, in a fit of
crazy anger and depression, got hold of a gun somewhere and fired it at his
father, who died not right away but soon afterward.
“When the authorities asked the boy why he had done it, he said that it was
because he could not stand his father, because his father demanded too
much of him, because he hated his father. And then later on, after he had
been placed in a house of detention, a guard was walking down the corridor
late one night when he heard sounds from the boy’s room, and he stopped
to listen. The words he heard the boy sobbing out in the dark were, ‘I want
my father, I want my father.’”1
“How incredibly sad,” we say, but how many of us have killed or turned away
from the only source that can meet the deepest longing of our heart? “Not
me,” I say, but every time I look for love in any wrong place, I do that.
For example, I looked for love in the things I did, like making beautiful things
including a dream home. Then I majored in words and wrote books and
poems. I learned to move a crowd to tears, make them laugh hilariously and
inspire them to reach for noble goals. I got lots of approval but none of these
things ever made me feel loved.
No Mother or any other Woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself
as a man.
Perhaps most delusive of all is how I looked to the opposite sex to try to
make me feel loved and to affirm my masculinity. It started with my mother
because, being my primary caretaker, she was all I had to look to when I
was a child. Next I fell madly in love with my second grade school teacher,
looking for love from her. That didn’t work either.
Unfortunately, no mother or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man
love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for
a time but she still can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter
how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion
when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does,
he may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her but because of him.
When his passion subsides he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own
loneliness and emptiness.
And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb
another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman. . .and another. . .to prove
to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll deaden the pain through alcohol, drugs
or addictive behaviors and eventually ruin his health, get cancer, die of a
heart attack, never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships.
That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places
for the love he never received as a child.
Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their father and
you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lies the secret of so
much of our relational and emotional distress and the answer to our recovery.
The father wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt
loved by our fathers. And that wound desperately needs to be healed.
Only a father (or a surrogate or substitute father) can affirm a man’s
masculinity and make him feel that he’s a man. Neither fame nor fortune
nor all the women in the world can ever do this for him. Only a father’s love
can.
But what if our father was absent, as was mine? He was physically present
but not emotionally. He was uninvolved in my life, which I perceived as
rejection, and then I in turn rejected him. I “killed” my father too. Not literally,
of course, but as far as I was concerned he was dead to me. In doing this I
shot myself in the heart. And everywhere I’ve went for years I searched for
the love I never found from my father.
So where’s the answer?
First, I need to acknowledge the fact that I had or have a father wound and
need healing. As long as I deny this I can never be healed.
Second, I need to get in touch with my pain, express my deep anger and
sob out my well of buried grief over the loss of the father’s love I never had.
Counseling with a male counselor, participating in a psychodrama (role play)
group, prayer for inner healing, and having a couple of soul brothers with
whom I can share openly and honestly has helped bring much healing.
Third, I need to continue to build healthy relationships with healthy men. No
woman could ever affirm my masculinity or teach me to love myself as a
man. Only men can meet my unmet father need.
As long as a man depends on a woman to make him feel good about himself,
he is still emotionally tied to his mother’s apron strings. All a woman can ever
do is confirm what a man already feels about himself. That is, if he rejects
himself as a man, he will likely be attracted to a rejecting woman. Or if he
loves and accepts himself as a man, be will be attracted to a loving and
accepting woman who will confirm what he feels about himself.
Fourth, to be affirmed by men—who become father substitutes—I need to
find men I can trust and let them know me as I truly am—warts and all. Every
one of us has a dark side. I need to take the risk and share my dark side to
these men I trust—men who will know me fully and accept me as I am. It is
through their love and acceptance that I learn to love and accept myself. But
as long as I keep my dark side hidden, I will never feel fully loved. I can only
be loved—and healed—to the degree that I am known. This may be scary
but there is no other way.
Fifth, because I am a spiritual being, the bottom line to feeling fully loved
is to feel God the Father’s love at the very core of my being. Herein lies the
deepest healing of the masculine soul. Thus I need to come to God through
his Son, Jesus Christ, confess all my dark side to him, ask for his forgiveness,
and accept him as Lord of my life.
I then can learn to feel closer to God and experience his love as I get closer
to healthy, accepting men and feel their love. As God said, “If we love each
other, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.”2
NOTE: I need to realize that so many women also have a deep father wound.
Only when we men are healed are we able to appropriately affirm women so
they, too, can be healed of their father wound.
1. Frederick Buechner, The Magnificent Defeat, P. 65.
2. 1 John 4:12.
Written and © Copyright 2001 by Dick Innes
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
Nearly everyone knows that smoking can cause lung cancer, but few people
realize it is also a risk factor for cancer of the mouth, voice box (larynx),
bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, stomach, and some leukemias.
Smokers often say, “Don’t tell me why to quit, tell me how.” There is no
one right way to quit, but there are some key elements in quitting smoking
successfully. These 4 factors are crucial:
• Making the decision to quit
• Setting a quit date and choosing a quit plan
• Dealing with withdrawal
• Maintenance or staying quit
Making the Decision to Quit
The decision to quit smoking is one that only you can make. Others may
want you to quit, but the real commitment must come from you.
Researchers have looked into how and why people stop smoking. They have
some ideas, or models, of how this happens.
The Health Belief Model says that you will be more likely to stop smoking if
you:
• Believe that you could get a smoking-related disease and this worries
you
• Believe that you can make an honest attempt at quitting smoking
• Believe that the benefits of quitting outweigh the benefits of continuing
to smoke
• Know of someone who has had health problems as a result of their
smoking
Do any of these apply to you?
The Stages of Change Model identifies the stages that a person goes through
in making a change in behavior. Here are the stages as they apply to quitting
smoking:
• Pre-contemplator – This is the smoker who is not thinking seriously
about quitting right now.
• Contemplator – This is the smoker who is actively thinking about quitting
but is not quite ready to make a serious attempt yet. This person may
say, “Yes, I’m ready to quit, but the stress at work is too much, or I don’t
want to gain weight, or I’m not sure if I can do it.”
• Preparation – Smokers in the preparation stage seriously intend to quit
in the next month and often have tried to quit in the past 12 months.
They usually have a plan.
• Action – This is the first 6 months when the smoker is actively quitting.
• Maintenance – This is the period of 6 months to 5 years after quitting
when the ex-smoker is aware of the danger of relapse and take steps to
avoid it.
• Where do you fit in this model – If you are thinking about quitting, setting
a date and deciding on a plan will move you into the preparation stage,
the best place to start.
Why should you quit? Each smoker has his or her own reasons; here are
three good ones:
Your Family. Your family needs your financial and emotional support. If you
die prematurely from a smoking-related illness, who will do all the things you
do for your family?
Your Kids. Kids exposed to secondhand smoke at home are more prone to
colds, ear infections and allergies than children of nonsmoking parents. By
age 7, they may be shorter than their friends, lag behind in reading ability
and have behavior problems. Worse still, they will likely become smokers
themselves.
Yourself. It’s never too late to quit smoking. Right away, you’ll look better (no
more yellow teeth and fingers), feel better (good-bye hacking cough, hello
vitality) and enjoy life better (flowers smell sweeter, food tastes better).
The Next Move: You know why you want to quit. Now choose a date and put
a big red circle on the calendar. Every night before going to bed, state your
reasons for quitting out loud 10 times.
The Three Phases of Quitting:
• Deciding To Quit
• Preparing To Quit
• Following Through
For most people the best way to quit will be some combination of medicine, a
method to change personal habits, and emotional support. The best-known
medicines are probably nicotine substitutes such as the patch, gum, and
nasal spray, which are known as nicotine replacement therapy (NRT).
When smokers try to cut back or quit, the absence of nicotine leads to
withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal is both physical and psychological.
Physically, the body is reacting to the absence of the drug nicotine.
Psychologically, the smoker is faced with giving up a habit. Both must be
dealt with to succeed at quitting.
Withdrawal symptoms can include any of the following:
• Depression
• Feelings of frustration and anger
• Irritability
• Trouble sleeping
• Difficulty concentrating
• Restlessness
• Headache
• Tiredness
• Increased appetite
These uncomfortable symptoms lead the smoker to again start smoking
cigarettes to boost blood levels of nicotine back to a level where there are
no symptoms.
One way to overcome these urges or cravings is to identify rationalizations
as they come up. A rationalization is a mistaken belief that seems to make
sense at the time but is not based on facts. If you have tried to quit before,
you will probably recognize many of these common rationalizations.
• I’ll just have one to get through this rough spot. (Does a smoker ever
stop with just one?)
• Today is not a good day; I’ll quit tomorrow. (We’ve heard that one
before.)
• It’s my only vice.
• How bad is smoking, really? Uncle Harry smoked all his life and he
lived to be over 90. Air pollution is probably just as bad.
• You’ve got to die of something.
• Life is no fun without smoking.
You probably can add more to the list. As you go through the first few days
without smoking, write down any rationalizations as they come up and
recognize them for what they are: messages that can trap you into going
back to smoking. Use the ideas below to help you keep your commitment to
quitting.
Avoid people and places where you are tempted to smoke. Later on you will
be able to handle these with more confidence.
Alter habits. Switch to juices or water instead of alcohol or coffee. Take a
different route to work; take a brisk walk instead of a coffee break.
Alternatives. Use oral substitutions such as sugarless gum or hard candy,
raw vegetables such as carrot sticks, or sunflower seeds.
Activities. Exercise or do hobbies that keep your hands busy (needlework,
woodworking, etc.) and can help distract you from the urge to smoke.
Deep breathing. When you were smoking, you breathed deeply as you
inhaled the smoke. When the urge strikes now, breathe deeply and picture
your lungs filling with fresh, clean air. Remind yourself of your reasons for
quitting and the benefits you’ll gain as an ex-smoker.
Delay. If you feel that you are about to light up, delay. Tell yourself you must
wait at least 10 minutes. Often this simple trick will allow you to move beyond
the acute urge to smoke.
What you’re doing is not easy, so you deserve a reward. Put the money
you would have spent on tobacco in a jar every day and then buy yourself
a weekly treat. Buy a magazine, go out to eat, call a friend long-distance.
Or save the money for a major purchase. You can also reward yourself in
ways that don’t cost money: take time out to read, work on a hobby, or take
a relaxing bath.
Ways of Quitting:
Switch Brands
• Switch to a brand you find distasteful.
• Change to a brand that is low in tar and nicotine a couple of weeks
before your target date. This will help change your smoking behavior.
However, do not smoke more cigarettes, inhale them more often or
more deeply, or place your fingertips over the holes in the filters. All of
these will increase your nicotine intake, and the idea is to get your body
use to functioning without nicotine.
Cut Down the Number of Cigarettes You Smoke
• Smoke only half of each cigarette.
• Each day, postpone the lighting of your first cigarette 1 hour.
• Decide you’ll only smoke during odd or even hours of the day.
• Decide beforehand how many cigarettes you’ll smoke during the day.
For each additional cigarette, give a dollar to your favorite charity.
• Change your eating habits to help you cut down. For example, drink
milk, which many people consider incompatible with smoking. End
meals or snacks with something that won’t lead to a cigarette.
• Reach for a glass of juice instead of a cigarette for a “pick-me-up.”
• Remember: Cutting down can help you quit, but it’s not a substitute for
quitting. If you’re down to about 7 cigarettes a day, it’s time to set your
target quit date and get ready to stick to it.
Don’t Smoke “Automatically”
• Smoke only those cigarettes you really want. Catch yourself before you
light up a cigarette out of pure habit.
• Don’t empty your ashtrays. This will remind you of how many cigarettes
you’ve smoked each day, and the sight and the smell of stale cigarettes
butts will be very unpleasant.
• Make yourself aware of each cigarette by using the opposite hand or
putting cigarettes in an unfamiliar location or a different pocket to break
the automatic reach.
• If you light up many times during the day without even thinking about it,
try to look in a mirror each time you put a match to your cigarette–you
may decide you don’t need it.
Make Smoking Inconvenient
• Stop buying cigarettes by the carton. Wait until one pack is empty
before you buy another.
• Stop carrying cigarettes with you at home or at work. Make them difficult
to get to.
Make Smoking Unpleasant
• Smoke only under circumstances that aren’t especially pleasurable for
you. If you like to smoke with others, smoke alone. Turn your chair to an
empty corner and focus only on the cigarette you are smoking and all
its many negative effects.
• Collect all your cigarette butts in one large glass container as a visual
reminder of the filth made by smoking.
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
